After two months

phew, its been two months since I last blogged ... well, at least for good reasons ... I was more happy and melancholy had been replaced by ... a sense of hope. Much has happened over the last two months and work was so harsh that I hardly had time to write and vent ... Sunshine and me are an item and that changed my life ... significantly. I thank God for her.

surprise surprise

i got sort of a promotion today, well, I was shock to hear the news, so it was a pleasant surprise. never expect to get it so soon tho, so like Sunshine said, I must be really blessed ... and I am real glad that she is planning a celebration. still waiting for the shock to wear out ... 

crossroads

over a sandwich and latte, a friend and colleague revealed that he would be leaving the job for greener pastures ... it was a mixed feeling to hear about his impending departure as we met each other again in the firm after a number of years, and he did back stabbed me at one point ... but I would say that I am sad overall. once upon a time, we were hanging out together playing football and wrecking the landscaping in college, and did all the idiotic things together, and I would want to remember him for that, and not the back-stabbing. well, youthful pride and ambitions do hurt friendships, but we all need time to grow up. for every oxygen breathing soul, there are times that we come to certain crossroads, where we were made to decide on a path, and like all crossroads, we'll only know if we will regret after the crossroads. most of the time, we change course because we are unhappy, but who would really leave a job or a relationship or some place when we are most happy with it ... but being a pessimist-non-conformist, I would say that the best time to leave is when u are happiest, so all that's left are good memories. well, i've digressed, in any case, my friend leave because he chose to try something new rather than to rest on the laurels of success and security ... I agree with him, don't waste your youth, this is the time to try and fail and try again ... all the best my friend, you'll be missed. 

holding hands ...

its was an hour's ride home in my red wagon, in light drizzles, we just held hands and enjoy each other's company as we took a slow drive home. no 'special music' tonight, just soundtracks from "One Fine Day" sunshine tried a folk-lorish method of curing headaches, which will did work to a certain extent. But I guess it was the quiet company that took a bit of my monday headaches away. well, sometimes its the little moments and the simple things that makes the difference ... 

mondaze

as usual, tis monday and my monday headache is back, hoped it would remain a monday headache. somehow, there's always a pile-up at the in-tray, somehow there'll always be bad traffic jams, somehow, some colleagues are especially talented in being a a**-h*** on mondays. or perhaps tis just a state of mind ... hmmmm ... #yawn# oh well, it was especially bad to-monday due to the lack of sleep over the weekend #thanks buddy!#, and the fact that I had ... about 30 dreams last night, some of which were really bazaar, like having dinner with sunshine and her mother in some bazaar restaurant-cum-food factory and being grilled #me, not the food# ... being a cab-driver and getting into a bad accident 3 sec after starting work. what is wrong with me ... i need to sleep. 

one for the road ... Mikey

"Beat It" - Written and composed by Michael Jackson.

They told him don't you ever come around here

Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear

The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear

So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can

Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man

You wanna be tough, better do what you can

So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

Just beat it, beat it

They're out to get you, better leave while you can

Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man

You wanna stay alive, better do what you can

So beat it, just beat it

You have to show them that you're really not scared

You're playin' with our life, this ain't no truth or dare

They'll kick you, then they beat you,

Then they'll tell you it's fair

So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or who's right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or who's right

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or who's right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it

No one wants to be defeated

Showin' how funky and strong is your fight

It doesn't matter who's wrong or rightJust beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it

death of a tragedy ...

michael jackson died on 26 Jun 09. Billy Jean, Thriller, Beat It, Ebony and Ivory, This Girl is Mine ... michael's songs were definitive in my rocker-ing indulgences since I was 10? or was it 9. Billy Jean was a favorite hit amongst my soccer buddies, i could still remember Michael's mv for Ebony with Paul McCartney. however, on 26 Jun 09, Michael Jackson passed on ... as a tragedy. Enough is said of what happened, but as a former fan, I would have preferred that he died with more glory, as a symbol of his era, like Kurt Cobain, who died in his prime. But it was not to be. in recent memory, all we could remember about Michael Jackson was his broken nose, his multi-multi million dollar debt, his child abuse allegations and not for the revolution he brought to rock music in the 1980's ... his moon-walk ... and yes, Jackson Five. in any case, let us remember what Michael Jackson did for rock music, the glorious era and his struggles. Oh well, like many of us, he had his dreams, he had his disillusions, heartbreaks and as the story goes, to become somebody he was not. But he tried to pursue his dreams, and he fell, just like many of us ... like many of us, he f**ked it up. Let us remember Michael Jackson for the memories he left us ... in his music.

being alone ...

did not text Sunshine much since Thursday, but was glad she called, and there were usual goodnight muacks, and a few friendly exchanges since then. well, I fear meeting her since thursday as I was not sure how to express myself. I guess I need some time to figure out who I am to her. was her 'outburst' on thursday due to just frustration, or cos she did not regard me as someone special, nothing compared to her friends and close office-mates or not sure, why. Perhaps I was afraid of such rejections, and was afraid to go through these kind of courtship all over again. Perhaps I was just doing baseless comparisons. In any case, I've lost confidence. I just feel like a low-life germ after that dinner. I just wanted some time to figure things out and reconcile with reality. I do miss her but this was mingled with a little fear of her ... so for the time being, I'll just be alone.

a friend in need

so bushed after helping a good friend, a close buddy with a piece of work. Was quite pissed initially as he was away on a diving holiday and did not do much ... and it was HIS work. Spent a good part of the day doing it for him and the evening piecing it together. But at the end of the day, I was glad I kept my anger to myself and helped him the best I could. Think it's a Ace job. well, we have been buddies for more than 13 years, and we had been through all the shit together. I reckoned that he was indeed handicapped in some aspects and really counted on me to help him. so I was glad I did my part for him ... he's after all, my buddy.

dinner with a germ

after dinner with Sunshine today, I just felt like some low life germ. sigh. its f**king friday again.

my dream

i want to own a cafe by the beach ... in a quiet corner of the world ... i want to look at the stars every night ... with a cigarette in hand ... listen to the waves and soft jazz music playing in my cafe ... where i'll play my favorite songs with my guitar ... and go to bed every night ... indifferent to how each day was like ... to be alone, and at times, enjoy the company of strangers who would pop by my beach cafe for a bowl of nice hot soup, or a ice cold beer ... listen to the stories of back-packers from other corners of the world ... they can have a free meal if they leave their stories behind ... to live each day without happiness or disappointment, not concerned whether I love or being loved, just me, my cafe, my cigarettes, my guitar, the beach and the stars .... 

好累

by the way ...

such a long day, and a long day ahead, shadow looked forward to meeting sunshine but sunshine has decided not to meet. its nice to be the repertoire and not an interlude, it nice to be the way and not by the way, its nice to be the focus and not the forgone. why? once again shadow ask. well, what is shadow to be expecting anything anyway. life would be happier without an inflated sense of self-importance. you're not button nose ... its time to go to sleep. goodnight, day #20 - melancholixia.

a sad song

happiness has no meaning if there's no sadness, 

joy has no meaning if there are no sorrows,

life has no meaning if there's no death, 

laughter has no meaning if there are no tears,

warm has no meaning if there's no winter,

so love as no meaning if there's no sadness, sorrows, tears and winter,

so how about death you may ask,

so love is dead when there's only sadness, sorrows, tears and winter. 

headache

damn, my monday headache is no monday headache. Its Wed and it still hurts. its so bad I din watch 24 for two nights, never ready anything and did even text Sunshine much. 

mondays are bad for health ....

i cant feel the right side of my head!!! damn monday headaches!!! monday brain freeze !!! over-stretched jaws!!! damn, mondays are bad for health !!!  

the importance of f**king up ....

I must admit my F1 fever is going to be short-lived now that the big boys are leaving the championship next year, and Mclaren's showing this season was wrecked by a #$@% car. One of the joys of last season was about watching Lewis Hamilton climb his way to world championship, so the dismal performance of the team was quite depressing, especially when Lewis ended up in 16th place in home ground yesterday. Well, I supposed losing and being at the bottom (especially after being crowned champion) is part and parcel of life ... I remembered managing a sports team years back ... bottom of the table ... and for two years, it was nothing but training and training three times a week, having friendlies with big boys to get thrashed, time to lick their wounds after that and training harder ... and two years later, they became champions. Failures ... It helps you get a clearer resolution on what you want, the humiliation would be the driving force of the future, the sorrows would build character, the defeats would build strength, all that you would need to make a better champion. Besides, Lewis is young, he has time ... way to go !!!

Sunshine's Home

the weekend ended with a high note with Sunshine coming home ... 

15 Days

day #15 of sad songs ... well, sad songs is 15 days old and I still could not find a reason to rename it or close it down. 

Oh well, on reflection, this weeks not so bad after all, Sunshine created a playlist for me ... 8 hours worth of her favorite songs from her Ipod and they were really nice songs ... happy or sad. the little journey where we just held hands while I drove ... Thanks dear, it was really nice #Miss you#

Thank Jack Tis Friday!!

Nothing exorcises your rage from your mind like a run and a good work out ... oh well (I'm beginning to sound like Sunshine, who is a couple of thousands miles away, and I miss her), I could still enjoy the remnants of this damned week after all ... can't wait to play disc 2 of 24 (Season 7). been checking out the DVDs for season 7 at the video joint for a year, and found it at a HMV joint at Elements, Kowloon. I paid HKD399 for it without blinking. There's something therapeutic about watching 24 ... let me see, I watched season one to six over one month ... in 2007 and was addicted ... there's always some enemies for anyone to relate to ... high level corrupted and principle-least politicians, heroes, terrorists trying their luck from anything from germs to dirt bombs, characters who looked like traitors but were heroes and of course, our dear-tortured soul- Jack-Bauer. I must admit I'm no fan of Keifer Sutherland, but I think he did a pretty good job playing Jack Bauer, especially that oft "look" of helplessness and resignation, but well, still save the day ... and got betrayed within the hour. Poor Jack. And of course, nobody talks about 24 without paying tributes to the torture scenes. Well, serve them right ... come on, these @#$#3 were trying to blow the living daylight out of innocent folks who did nothing except to vote in a scum as the president ... wait a minute ... hmmm ... well, tis a collective "accident". Anyway, thank Jack its Friday!!! 

嫉妒

嫉妒 - 陳綺貞

爱上了你爱上了你的一切 
挥不去的是那个没有我的世界 
心中的一个结 
紧紧的锁住我 
微弱似风中不安感受 
该如何面对你温柔眼神 
当心中有了疑问 
而我是不是你的唯一 
而你是不是真的在乎我 

请相信我请相信我的心 
就这样的坠入幸福的深渊 
嫉妒你的快乐 
它并不是因为我 
真心退缩在黑暗角落 
该如何倾听你温柔声音 
它并不只属于我 
而你是不是真的在乎我 
而我是不是你的永久 

嫉妒你的快乐 
它并不是因为我 
真心退缩在黑暗角落 
该如何倾听你温柔声音 
它并不只属于我 
而你是不是真的在乎我 
而我是不是你的永久 

Friday blues

its friday ... seems like such a long week ... trying to recover from a working trip while clearing up the pile of work, passing of a good friend's father, the conversation with Sunshine on wed and etc etc. I missed the days when I still look forward to a weekend. Anyway, it was a sad week. The only highlight was a great morning with Sunshine. otherwise, the only thing that came to mind was our SMS chat on wed, that left me feeling more and more like an alien to her world ... an illegal immigrant ... out of place ... and perhaps peripheral ... so peripheral. Not too sure if I want to go through all this again ... so tired, perhaps I would think about it on Saturday. 

回應

親愛的，我現在保留一斷的距離，也是因為要保護你，不想讓你受到傷害。

80%完美的日子 - 陈绮贞

我捕捉 精彩的画面 可是一闭上眼 顏色就褪掉了

我穿上 最舒适的T恤 可是一脱下来 身体都僵硬了

我选择 我最想要的 可是一个人了 反而笑开了

我丢弃 对我最好的 可是一关上灯 全部都回来了

直到有一天 我彻底昏睡了

我太累了 我放开了

直到有一天 我失去了

太狼狈了 眼泪掉下来了

太矛盾了 眼泪掉下来了

The melancholy of a beautiful day ...

six days after the creation of sad songs, shadow wondered if it should still be named as such because it seemed that shadow is helplessly in love with sunshine, so day 6 saw the first happy entry ... with a vivid picture of sunshine ... at the end of day 6, sunshine retreated back to her own world ... so that's the way the beautiful day ended, bitter sweet ... the melancholy of a beautiful day. Lindy Gardner and Steven Whatever had the time of their lives ... sharing a stolen turkey ... running around the hospital wrapped up like mummies (recovery from plastic surgery) but enjoying the freedom of a little privacy that their situation gave them. After the bandages were removed, they were back to their own world. So their little romance lasted as long as a nocturne. Finally, the fatigue of day six sets in, I am going to sleep. 

You are the Sunshine of my Life ...

"You are the Sunshine of my Life" - Frank Sinatra

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay (be) in my heart

I know that this is the beginning
Though I loved you for one million years
But if I thought our love was ending
I'd find myself drowning in my own tears

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay (be) in my heart

You must have known that I was lonely
Because you came to my rescue
And though I know that this is heaven
How could so much love be inside of you

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay (be) in my heart

('Cause you are)
You are the sunshine - of my life
(Of my life, of my life)
(Light my fire baby, light my fire,...)

我的白日梦

dozed off reading my notes and found myself in Sunshine's office that had become a big big house. I was looking for her and hoping that she would appear.... but she did not. I kept walking and walking until I entered this room which was lined with red blinds all around. I woke up without seeing Sunshine. Gives me the creep. I never attempt to interpret dreams, and always look at dreams as a process of the grey mass clearing its cache of the millions of thoughts that cross your mind every day ... and dreams always turn out differently in reality. So perhaps it was just because I miss Sunshine. Next time, I'll just use my mobile to call her (in the big house) and find a comfortable spot to sit and seat for her to appear #smiling#, thanks Sweetheart. 

香港 香港

I am back ... At last! ... after five hours in a coach seat squeezed between two (old) ladies, two short stories from Nocturnes and two movies (Taken and Valkyrie) and thinking of Sunshine #Oh, how I miss her#. Its nice to be here with a language so familiar and Cantonese tracks playing in the background ... I wish Sunshine is here with me. After a meal of 澳門萄國焗雞 at one of my favorite 茶餐廳 at Locke Street (frankly, I should have eaten 叉燒飯) and an hour chat with my dear Sunshine aka Sweetheart, I'm ready for work ... 

太聪明

太聪明 - 陈绮贞

总以為谜一般难懂的我

在你了解了以后  其实也没什麼

我总是忽冷又忽热隐藏我的感受

只是怕爱你的心被你看透

猜得没错想的太多不会有结果

被你看穿了以后我更无处可躲

我开始后悔不应该太聪明的卖弄

只是怕亲手将我的真心葬送

我猜著你的心

我再一次确定

遥远的距离都是因為太过聪明

要猜著你的心

要再一次确定

混乱的思绪都是恩為太想靠近你

只是怕亲手将我的真心葬送

我开始后悔不应该太聪明的卖弄

只是怕亲手将我的真心葬送

Blue pill or red pill?

Just finished watching the Matrix Trilogy on DVD over the past week. I only managed to watch the first movie from beginning to end ... but dozed off three times on average for Reload and the Revolution so that accounted for the week that I needed to finished them. Cut the philosophy crap, its just a simple story of good people versus bad machines (that sucks energy out of ordinary folks to keep itself running) and how the last bastion of good people tried to save their Zion from giant metallic squids with razor sharp tentacles from tearing them up to shreds. And well, the One ... the Savior who would save the day (or did he? I think I slept after Trinity died in Revolution ... so I have not finish the show after all... anyway) .... was a good closure to a typical hollywood plot. So what did I get out of it? Well, the fighting scenes were okay, Trinity is cool, Morpheus needs to fill up the gap between his front teeth .... say, I still remember the blue pill and red pill scene. Morpheus to Neo -... you take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." - Life is never about choice. The only choice is about how you want to view the life you live and the situations you are in. Live in an illusion of happiness and normalcy, well at least you are happy. Live in the truth and you would probably echo Cypher -"I'm tired, Trinity. Tired of this war, tired of fighting... I'm tired of the ship, being cold, eating the same goddamn goop everyday...". Is all about what you choose to believe. ain't it?

 

Starry Starry Nights

Sunshine gave me a book by Jimmy Liao (Ji Mi) "The Starry Starry Night" for my birthday. It was the most wonderful gift. It has beautiful illustrations .... mostly surreal expressions of a lonely little girl. Its a story about two lonely people, each with a sad story taking a journey together. There were no words to the colorful pictures that depicted the journey but I know it was the best journey of these two lonely souls....After the journey, they were separated and never to see each other again. Hmmm...it was a sad ending for the optimists but a happy ending for the pessimists. The optimist would probably lament that the little boy and the little girl would never see each other again, and wished for a happy ending. The pessimist would probably be comforted by the thought that there would be light in the shadows. Regardless how dark is the journey, someone would come along and brightens up your days, and it was good even if it was a passing moment. I think of Sunshine and me .... we are in a journey .... what would happen after that .... I wished our journey would never end .... 

So I have a blog ...

hmmm, so I have a blog .... so what do I do with it? tell the world about the thoughts, sorrows, happiness of just another insignificant being? share a poem or a song that sings of my heart today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and day n? tell a blank screen with a dialogue box about how I feel today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and day n? hmmm, I can even add a frowny or a smiley... say how I feel about life, about work, about love, about the weather, about ..... or perhaps leave a legacy.... or perhaps its just a diary ... well, just see how it goes ... anyway, welcome to Melancholixia